THE ROVING EYE Nobody expects the American inquisition!
By Pepe Escobar
(A hat tip to Monty Python's legendary Spanish Inquisition sketch.)
[The White House Oval Office]
Vice President Joe Biden [anxiously pacing the room]: Mr
President. Mullah Omar, you know, the one-eyed Taliban leader, he just said we
have to get the hell out of Afghanistan as soon as possible. And he said the
Taliban were winning the war. 
United States President Barack Obama [contemplating a basketball]: No wonder I
cannot run a business here. Why can't these COINistas bring me Omar's head on a
plate? Even I know he lives in Quetta [in Pakistan]. And why can't they track
bin Laden? What are these Special Forces doing, watching Mad Men on
Biden: Mr President, believe me, it's we who are winning, not them.
Obama: Oh no, no, no, Joe. Get a grip on this AfPak business. The
COINistas want nation-building and war against the Taliban, which for them is
the same as al-Qaeda. You want only counter-terrorism against al-Qaeda on both
sides of AfPak. Whatever we do, we will get clobbered in the November polls. I
need a narrative arc of victory here, Joe!
Biden: Mr President, you did finish the Iraq War last week ...
Obama: I was not awesome enough, Joe. Besides, [George W] Bush
did it before me, and it didn't work.
Biden: I'm afraid there's more trouble ahead, Mr President. The
Architects and Engineers for 9/11 Truth were in congress and at the National
Press Club telling everybody that the Twin Towers collapsed in near free-fall
because of pre-set demolition explosives. It says here, Mr President, and I
quote, "An international team of scientists found nanothermitic composite
material in World Trade Center dust, providing the first hard evidence of the
presence of advanced pyrotechnics or explosives in the disaster debris." They
want a Grand Jury investigation of the National Institute of Standards and
Technology, Mr President.
Obama: For Heaven's sake Joe, can you imagine if I decided to
reopen 9/11? Did you see that poll last week where a majority of Republicans
said, let me see if I remember correctly, that I "definitely sympathize with
the goals of Islamic fundamentalists who want to impose Islamic law around the
world"? Who are these people? Whatever I do I'm a racist, a communist, a
radical Islam-hugger ... I didn't expect a kind of American Inquisition.
[The Oval Office door flies open and messianic Fox News host and self-appointed
God's spokesperson to the United States Glenn Beck enters, flanked by former
vice-presidential candidate and Tea Party icon Sarah Palin, former speaker of
the house (and aspiring presidential candidate) Newt Gingrich, former US
ambassador to the United Nations (and aspiring presidential candidate) John
Bolton, the Texas energy conglomerate billionaires the Koch brothers, and
Glenville, Florida fringe extremist Christian pastor Terry Jones, a mini-Koran
burning in his hands in homage to his proposed, then aborted, International
Burn-a-Koran Day on 9/11.]
Beck [bombastic]: Nobody expects the American Inquisition!
Our chief weapon is surprise ... surprise and fear ... fear and surprise ...
Our two weapons are fear and surprise ... and catchy sound bites ... Our three
weapons are fear, surprise, and catchy sound bites ... and an almost fanatical
devotion to God ... Our four ... no ... Amongst our weapons ... Amongst our
weaponry ... are such elements as fear, surprise ... I'll come in again.
[The Inquisition exits]
Obama: I didn't expect a kind of American Inquisition.
[The group burst in, minus Terry Jones, who had his hands burned by his burning
Palin [squeakily]: Nobody expects the American
Inquisition! We love weapons! Oh you betcha! We have so many of them, fear,
surprise, catchy sound bites, an almost fanatical devotion to shooting wolves
from my helicopter, these nice red leather pumps ... And I can see Russia from
my house! Oh darn!?[To Bolton]: I can't say it - you'll have to say it.
Palin: You'll have to say the bit about "Our chief weapons are
Bolton: [rather impatient]: Nah, let's get on with it, we gotta
rush to the part where we frame all Muslims as neo-nazis.
[The group bundles outside again]
Obama: I didn't expect a kind of American Inquisition.
[Jarring chord] [The group enters]
Bolton: Er ... Nobody ... um ... expects ... Nobody expects the
... um .. the American ... um ...
Bolton: I know, I know! Nobody expects the American Inquisition.
In fact, those who do expect know that we can't be at the mercy of terrorists,
we have to reclaim the date of September 11 from these deceptive Islamic
supremacists, and that's why I'll be running for President in 2012.
Beck: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit
heresy against the American flag. You are a racist ... a guy who has a
deep-seated hatred for white people, the white culture, I don't know what it
is. You are a Muslim. You were not even born in the United States. You are a
servant of Islam ...
Gingrich: That's enough. [To Obama] Now, how do you plead?
Obama: This is ridiculous. Of course I'm innocent.
The Koch brothers [surreptitiously]: We'll soon change your mind
Bolton: Fear, surprise, and while we're at it, at war with all
servants of Islam, which is taking over the world and it is now America's turn
to fall. Hush, Glenn, grab the prayer rug!
[Beck produces a stinky prayer rug he got from a Special Forces officer who
bought it on Chicken Street in Kabul for $10. Gingrich looks at it and clenches
his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger]
Gingrich: You ... Right! Make him hug the rug.
[The Koch brothers make a pathetic attempt to rub the rug against President
Gingrich: Right! How do you plead?
Obama [imperturbable]: Innocent.
Beck: Ha! Right! Newt, don't you think he should kneel down and
[Gingrich stands awkwardly, shrugs his shoulders]
Gingrich: I ...
Beck: [gritting his teeth] I know, I know you can't.
Gingrich: I ...
Beck: Just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!
[Gingrich dreamily grabs the rug and lays it on the floor. Fuzzy focus, dreamy
soundtrack...] [Cut abruptly to the group torturing US Secretary of State
Beck: Now, old woman - you are accused of heresy on three counts
- heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action -
four counts. Do you confess?
Clinton: I haven't the faintest idea what I'm accused of. Don't
you ever watch my press conferences?
Bolton: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Glenn! Fetch ... the
[Jarring chord] [Beck holds out two Islamic-green, made in China cushions]
Beck: There you are. Can you believe they sell these in Manhattan
only a few yards away from Ground Zero?
Gingrich: Now, old lady - you have one last chance. Confess the
heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly - two last chances. And
you shall be free - three last chances. You have three last chances, the nature
of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.
Clinton: I don't know what you're talking about.
Gingrich: Right! If that's the way you want it - Bolton! Poke her
with the Islamic cushions!
[Bolton carries out his pathetic torture] Gingrich: Confess!
Bolton: It doesn't seem to be hurting her. I always thought this
woman was evil.
Gingrich [angrily hurling away the cushions]: Hmm! She is made of
harder stuff! Glenn! Fetch ... the comfy mosque!
[Jarring chord] [Beck pushes in a miniature comfy mosque - a model of the
Islamic Center projected for Ground Zero]
Gingrich: So you think you are strong because you can survive the
Islamic cushions. Well, we shall see! Give her the comfy mosque!
[They roughly push the comfy mosque into Clinton's lap]
Gingrich [with a cruel leer]: Now - you will be prostrated in
front of the comfy mosque until dinner, with only a cup of green tea at sunset.
Time to pray, lady! [aside, to Beck]: Is that really all there is?
Beck: That should be enough.
Gingrich: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do
we? Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!